Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Ten reasons to Not Food Shop with Children.

1. If you've never dropped a glass jar of tomato sauce, you will when the kids are with you. And then you'll have to be all "good example" about it and go and get a manager, etc. If you don't drop tomato sauce, you will drop a container of those little mozzarella balls in liquid. Those guys can Bounce. Kids will chase them helpfully and then stomp them into a slippery trap for those shoppers not accompanied by children.

2. Kids can tip over a pretty much full shopping cart.

3. My children enjoy the acoustics of the local market, exercising their vocal cords, and false vocal cords, usually in rage.

4. If you are food shopping with kids, you will definitely run into your arch-rival from high school. Or junior high. And she or he will recognize you and you'll have a conversation. Interspersed with little phrases like, "How come you dint take a shower today, mommy?" and "Why that lady have a big black mark on her face?" and "I thought you said she's not your friend."

5. Kids do not choose produce the same way adults do. They prefer to test produce by squeezing it. Testing it's explosion factor. What I mean is, squeeze produce until it explodes. Some kids prefer to stick their finger as deeply into the produce as possible, creating a testing tunnel, so to speak.

6. Children have the engineering skills to dismantle the ticket dispenser at the deli, unwind approximately twenty tickets, rip them off and hand them to you. They're too short to be seen over the counter by the deli clerk, so you will bear the brunt of his angry glare.

7. Occasionally a child will have an unexpected reaction to lobsters in a tank, screaming "Bugs, Bugs!" and becoming hysterical while trying to escape from the giant attacking bugs.

8. If you have children with you, you will get into a checkout line with a benign-appearing cashier and bagger, but the bagger will turn out to be a creepy kid-scaring type who will say something to cause each child to attach themselves to your body or clothing and stay attached until you pry them off and put them in the car. Along with the groceries.

9. For some reason, kids feel compelled to taste test any edible samples being offered, but will refuse to swallow any sample, thus causing you to carry the spit-out and masticated sample in your hand, as there are no trash barrels in the supermarket.

10. Children lose things like mittens, hats, shoes, socks, and sunglasses, not all belonging to themselves, in the market. Even if you go right back into the store, you will never ever find these objects again. I think the creepy bagger guy has a single-sock collection. Beware!

1 comment:

The Over-Thinker said...

#9 is my favorite! When does one really grow out of spitting "Yucky!" food?? I mean, it's not a gradual thing, is it? Just one day, we must decide, "Ya know, I'll just go ahead and swallow this sample of beef jerky."

P.S. I'm pretty sure my husband could give your kids a run for their money. He's pretty much the opposite of "good" when steering a cart :)

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